In today’s world, Christians have earned a reputation for being anti-intellectual and argumentative. One popular internet meme from a few years ago reads, “Arguing with a Christian is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are at chess, the pigeon will always knock over the pieces, poop on the board, and then strut around like he won.” Instead of being defensive, I think followers of Jesus should just admit we have work to do and get on with it. In that spirit, here are five simple things that Christians can say more often to have better conversations with our secular friends.
1. Wow!
Christians have too many facts and not enough fun. We throw around too many words and not enough wonder. Every day that we get to be alive is a miracle. Think about all the things we get to do in this life! We eat eggs and bacon. We embrace people that we love. We drink coffee. We breathe the air. We read great books and listen to beautiful music. We take naps. We look up at the stars in wonder. Life is a miracle!
In John 15, Jesus gives his final instructions to the disciples before he’s arrested, and in verse 11 he says, “I’ve told you all this so my joy will be in you, and your joy will be complete.” Jesus came to give us joy, so Christians should be known for being joyful. So why aren’t we?
I think it’s our lack of childlike awe and wonder.
Given how mysterious and wonderful the world and life itself truly are, I believe everyone should say “Wow!” more often. And given how Christians, among all the earth’s inhabitants, have the most to be thankful for, I think we should be the ones who say “Wow!” the most.
2. I’m Sorry
“If my people who belong to me will humbly pray, seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, forgive their sin, and heal their land.” 2 Chronicles 7:14
The Bible has a lot to say about repentance, and the Church has had a lot to say about it, too. But there’s a contradiction between what the Bible says about confession and repentance, and the way that Christians often talk about these things. While Christians often preach about how unbelievers need to repent, more than 90% of the Bible verses about confession and repentance are directed toward BELIEVERS. Remember, God said, “If my people repent, I will heal their land.” In other words, the repentance of the Church can lead to the healing of the city.
Almost every time that I pray, I begin with confession and repentance. I find that it’s impossible to really get anywhere in my relationship with God without first clearing the air about my sins and shortcomings. Through this practice of consistent confession, I’ve come to understand that my heavenly Father is full of grace and kindness. He loves an honest and humble heart, and He always stands ready to forgive and restore me.
Not only will saying “I’m sorry” more often in your prayers open you up to deeper intimacy with God, but expressing contrition in your conversations with unbelievers can also be a refreshing demonstration of divine mercy. There is a lot of “church-hurt” in the world these days, and many people who are outspoken against Christianity have good reasons for feeling that way.
Both in person and online, Christians often do and say thoughtless, hateful things. The institutional Church, with its denominational infighting and its unsurpassed capacity for missing the point, has done immeasurable harm to our biblical witness in the world. Christian leaders have built large followings and proceeded to have affairs, misappropriate funds, and even abandon their congregations altogether.
Whenever we’re talking with folks who’ve had their hearts broken by the Christians in their lives and/or by organized religion, the best place to begin is with an apology on behalf of God’s people. Just like in our relationship with the Father, a little bit of vulnerability and contrition can go a long way in our effort to build bridges with unbelievers.
3. I don’t know
It’s hard for anyone to admit ignorance, but sometimes the best thing we Christians can say is “I don’t know,” “I’m not sure,” or “I could be wrong.”
I know there are many Christians who don’t like that idea at all. They feel that believers should project ironclad certainty that casts no shadow of doubt. They’re the kind of Christians who, no matter what questions or conundrums the world puts before them, will hold their Bibles and say, “God said it, I believe it, and that settles it.”
I’ve got a lot of respect for Christians who never struggle with doubt. In some ways, I envy them! But I also know that, to unbelievers, such biblical bravado can reek of what’s often called the “god of the gaps,” which is the position that whatever can’t be explained is really just more hard evidence that God exists.
The problem with the god-of-the-gaps perspective is that, the moment that science or something else fills the gap, your god is gone. Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson, who is a self-described agnostic-leaning-atheist, once critiqued this point of view:
“If you don’t understand something, if physicists haven’t figured something out, then God did it? That’s how you want to spin this? If that’s your evidence for God, then God is an ever-receding pocket of scientific ignorance that’s getting smaller and smaller as time moves on.”
While he was in a Nazi prison in 1944, Dietrich Bonhoeffer shared his concerns about the god-of-the-gaps worldview and offered a better alternative:
“How wrong it is to use God as a stop-gap for the incompleteness of our knowledge! If in fact the frontiers of knowledge are being pushed further and further back (and that is bound to be the case), then God is being pushed back with them, and is therefore continually in retreat. We are to find God in what we know, not in what we don’t know.”
If we want our faith to be compelling to new generations of non-religious people, then saying “I don’t know,” “It’s a mystery,” and “There are some things I’m not sure about,” can be a powerful place to begin. When you’re vulnerable about your uncertainties, you invite others to join you along your search for Truth, instead of merely insisting that they accept all your right answers, full stop. This will also free you up to base your faith in God on what you do know instead of what you don’t.
4. I love you, but…
This one is easy and obvious, but it must be said. Every time I hear a Christian say, “I love you, but…” (or even “God loves you, but…), I want to pull my hair out, because no matter what you say after “but,” it’s going to cancel out the “I love you” part in the ears of those you’re trying to love. And the love part is the most important part! John 3:16 doesn’t say, “For God so loved the world, but the world is an awful place and people are going to hell.” It says, “For God so loved the world that He gave us Jesus!”
Saying “I love you, but” can be a little bit like saying “I’m not a racist, but…” There’s almost no way the rest of that sentence is going anywhere good. The trouble with saying “I love you, but,” is that your “but” looks bigger than your love, so please, for the love of God, let’s all leave our big buts at home and just love people the way God first loved us.
5. Jesus changed my life
We can argue forever about the evidence for and against the existence of God. We can memorize the Bible, cover the cover. We can go to church every Sunday without fail. We can post a different CS Lewis quote on Instagram every day for a year.
And none of it will ever change anyone’s life.
No one has ever been argued into the Kingdom of God. No one ever lost a heated argument with a Christian in the YouTube comments section and said, “You know, I think I’ll accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior now.”
The only influence you really have is your story about the difference Jesus has made in your life.
Every church is full of powerful stories of how we were lost until Jesus found us. How we were addicted until Jesus saved us. How life didn’t make sense until the power of the cross and empty tomb broke through.
Even if it’s not a dramatic, lightning-bolt kind of testimony, you have a story to tell about Jesus, and you need to tell it. And when you tell it, I encourage you to say the name of Jesus. Don’t be ambiguous about who God is to you. Jesus said, “Everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven.” (Matthew 10:32)
So know your story with Jesus, and tell your story with Jesus to everyone who will listen!
