How to Stay Out of Trouble

The Maybe God Podcast (Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or maybegodpod.com) team and I usually have fun producing new episodes, but our latest release was a labor of love because it deals with the brutal topic of clergy misconduct. As everyone knows, when pastors, priests, and other trusted church leaders mess up, the ripple effects can be disastrous. Unfortunately, it seems like every week or so we’re seeing new reports of yet another preacher who stepped out of line and fell into sin, abusing his pastoral authority and doing immeasurable harm to his victim(s), his family, and the Church.

To produce this episode, we researched and learned about dozens of reports of church leaders who had affairs, embezzled church funds, and perpetrated spiritual and/or sexual abuse, among other shameful things that I could never imagine myself doing. But then I noticed a common thread running through each of these stories: the pastor/perpetrator always said something like, “I never imagined myself doing anything like what I did…”

So I began to wonder, How can I make sure that I don’t end up like one of these guys? How can I fireproof myself, my marriage, and my ministry for the long-haul? Being a lover of lists, I made a list of a few things that help me continue to walk in health and holiness while avoiding life’s most common pitfalls. Whether you’re a church leader like me or a follower of Jesus who’s trying to walk the straight and narrow path, I hope you find these simple guardrails helpful.

1. Submit to serious spiritual accountability

Most of the pastors we talked to who fell from grace did so because they either never had – or they willfully disregarded – the people and systems that were meant to hold them accountable. In some cases, pastors actively dismantled their accountability structures as they were committing the sins that caused their demise. 

I’m grateful for the layers of accountability under which I live, and for the unique ways they hold my spiritual feet to the fire:

• My wife and my co-pastor, Geovanna
• My two Discipleship Groups (eight men each)
• The Story Church Board of Directors
• The Story Church leaders and congregation
• The Senior Pastors and overseers of The Foundry Network

I’m beholden to each person or group in this list in different ways and to various extents. The point is that, as long as I’m regularly submitting myself to these folks in humility, I’ll be more prepared to overcome temptation to sin. If, on the other hand, I flee accountability and shirk responsibility by avoiding meaningful interactions with these folks, I’m probably going nowhere good.

The question for you is simple: to whom are you spiritually accountable? Who holds your feet to the fire when it comes to how you’re spending your time and money? Who’s calling you out when you miss the mark? If you’re struggling to come up with an answer, I’ll tell you something that a mentor once told me:

You can always be as accountable as you want to be.

In other words, God has already put the people in place to hold you spiritually accountable. You have Christian friends and family, Discipleship Groups, pastors, and other faithful mentors that are just a phone call away. The choice is yours.

2. Confess your sins and vulnerabilities regularly

For me, the primary function of spiritual accountability is that it provides a venue for confession and repentance. Because I know that those who hold me accountable have my best interests at heart, I feel free to open up to them about my sins and spiritual vulnerabilities. This allows them to speak more truthfully into my life, and it also helps them to pray more specifically about whatever I’m struggling with.

If I’ve been too greedy with my money, I tell them.
If I’ve neglected to pray, I fess up.
If I’ve been tempted to lust, I say so.
If I’ve failed to take Sabbath rest, I confess.

The purpose of confession isn’t to bring shame upon myself, but to overcome the shame I was already internalizing. The shame of our secret sins can be crippling, and the only antidote is confession. And confession and prayer, as James wrote almost two thousand years ago, lead to healing.

3. Be careful about one-on-one time with people of the opposite sex

Some of you aren’t going to agree with me on this one, and that’s ok. People have some good reasons for rejecting the so-called and oft-misunderstood Billy Graham Rule, and it’s unrealistic (and unnecessary) to eliminate all one-on-one contact with people of the opposite sex. Genesis 1 and 2 teach us that God made us, male and female, to work together and help each other. I am blessed by God to have the opportunity to work alongside some incredible men and women at The Story.

But I have also learned to be very careful with how I spend my time at the office, and I teach other staff leaders to do the same. When it comes to meeting with female staff, I’ll usually invite a trusted third party to join us, or I’ll ask Pastor Geo or other female staff members to step in on my behalf. The same principle applies to our female staff members when meeting with members of the opposite sex.

The same goes for one-on-one meetings with non-staff members as well, by the way. If a woman asks to meet with me alone, I almost always ask her if it’s okay for Geo to come along. If she says no, I will suggest that we speak by phone instead of meeting in person.

When circumstances necessitate a one-on-one meeting, I always make sure there’s someone else nearby in the church building, and my office door and/or my window blinds stay open.

At this point you may be thinking this all sounds a bit extreme. I mean, are we Amish? 

This is 2023, right?
Men and women are equal in every way, right?
It’s possible for a man and a woman to *just* be friends or coworkers, right?

Yes, yes, and yes.

So why am I so cautious when it comes to working and meeting one-on-one with people of the opposite sex? Because I hear all the stories.

Not only the countless stories of fallen pastors, but also stories from within our congregation of people who’ve risked it all for an extramarital affair. You’ve heard stories like these, too, no doubt, but most people only hear the part of the story where two people have forbidden sex and get caught. But I’ve heard all the stories behind the stories – the backstories of how sexual trysts and affairs take shape over time.

And these stories almost never begin with “love at first sight,” whatever that is. Instead, they tend to develop slowly as two people of the opposite sex spend more and more time alone, together – not ripping each other’s clothes off, but simply talking, making eye contact, and breathing the same air. Studies have consistently supported the hypothesis that proximity and privacy are powerful factors in the development of sexual attraction.

So I take these steps as a safeguard against any potential issues that could in any way threaten my integrity, my marriage and family, and our ministry at The Story. I also want to promote an environment where female and male staff and church members always feel honored and safe.

The reality is that we’re all going to find ourselves in situations where working or meeting one-on-one with members of the opposite sex is essential, and that’s okay. But it’s also fair to say that we have more control over these situations than we might think – especially in terms of the frequency, length, and content of such meetings. I’m sure this may seem like overkill, but I implore you to be discerning and wise, because so much is at stake.