“Let’s just be friends.”
It’s also probably the second-most common way to break up with a person these days, right behind “It’s not you; it’s me,” and just ahead of “So I just looked through your phone…”
I can understand the other two breakup lines, I suppose, but I have a real problem with “Let’s just be friends”, mostly because it’s frustrating when people treat friendship like some kind of second-rate consolation prize. I’m not sure we should ever put the word just in front of the word friends, as though friendship kills romance. In my experience, friendship doesn’t have to kill the spark between two people. In fact, true friendship can often fan the flame of romance.
I’m so adamant about this because my heart breaks when people I care about struggle on the dating scene, but I also hurt for husbands and wives whose marriages are struggling. We’re all so immersed in a culture that’s so wrapped up in sexual attraction, financial opportunism, and instant gratification that most people don’t get what I’m about to say to you. If you want to be happy, listen up: in dating and marriage, friendship matters way more than superficial attraction.
If you’re single, your best prospects for marriage are probably the people you’d consider “friend zone material.” Sometimes I want to pull my hair out when I listen to some of the reasons my single friends give for “friend-zoning” people of the opposite sex:
“He was too nice.”
“He’s in sales.”
“He’s got more hair on his back than his head.”
“She’s got a past.”
“Her laugh was annoying.”
“She’s taller than me.”
Oh, come on! Look, I can’t give you any hard stats on this, but I know this for certain: most of the happiest married people you’ll ever meet are married to people who, physically speaking, weren’t exactly their “type”.
A huge problem facing many singles today can be summed up in this three-step logical fallacy:
- Most single people (90-95%) say they want to get married.
- The strongest marriages are basically friends with benefits.
- No one ever dates for friendship.
When I say “dating for friendship” here’s what I mean:
- Understanding what makes someone a good friend and looking for that
- Understanding what makes someone a bad friend and watching out for that
What qualities make someone a good friend? Psychology Today magazine gives a pretty good Top 5:
- Trustworthiness (“You can tell me anything.”)
- Encouragement (“You can get through this.”)
- Empathy (“I understand.”)
- Honesty (“You’re better than that.”)
- Sense of humor (“A priest, a rabbi, and a Baptist walk into a bar…”)
If you take my advice and date for friendship, and you meet someone who’s a little shorter than you imagined, or a little less successful, or a little less exciting, or a little less curvy, or a little more curvy, or a little less hairy, or a little more hairy…but they demonstrate these five friendship qualities, that’s probably the person you want to pursue.
On the other hand, what qualities make someone a bad friend? These five are a good start:
- Opportunism (“I’m with you…until something better comes along.”)
- Narcissism (“What have you done for me lately?”)
- Apathy (“Whatever.”)
- Manipulation (“I said I’d be home at 5. I didn’t say 5pm!”)
- Full of excuses (“You see babe, what had happened was…”)
Let’s say you go out on a date with someone who looks like your type: they’ve got the eyes, the smile, the body, the hair (on their head, not their back), and the wallet, and you just can’t wait to show them off on Instagram – but they demonstrate these traits, run for your life.
Here’s why: romantic chemistry can grow out of friendship, but it can never survive the lack of true friendship. I’ve sat with a hundred couples in crisis who had chemistry when they got married, but they didn’t have friendship, so the fire went out. On the other hand, some of the happiest couples I’ve seen are people who put some of the superficial stuff on the back burner and simply married their best friend. They might not have had a spark at first, but over time their romance grew and became white-hot.
Why? Because friendship fuels romance.
The Bible describes God as something of a hopeless romantic. In the Old Testament, for example, we find passages like this:
“As a young man marries a young woman, so God will marry you; as a groom rejoices over his bride, so will God rejoice over you” (Isaiah 62:5).
And the New Testament describes Jesus as a groom and the Church as his bride. That’s why we’re called “the body of Christ,” because we will be joined to him in a great consummation. As a husband and wife become “one flesh,” we’re becoming one with Christ. (Ephesians 5:28-32)
This is romantic stuff. From start to finish in the Bible, the marriage of Christ and his Church is the goal, just like marriage is the goal for most people who are dating. Here’s the difference between us and Jesus: most of us search for the one by starting with attraction. Jesus searched for us by starting with friendship. In John 15:15, he said, “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.”
He did this in a few ways:
- First, he encouraged us. He could have focused on our past mistakes, but he chose to see in us something no one else could see: potential. One time he was preaching, and he stopped, mid-sermon and looked out at his crowd. This is what he saw: dirty, smelly fishermen, migrant workers, day laborers, broken families, kids, widows, prostitutes, and criminals. And this is what he said to them, “You are the salt of the earth…the light of the world…let your light shine.” (Matt.5:13-16)
- Next, he expected great things from us. In John 14:12-14, Jesus told his disciples they can do even greater things than Jesus did.
- Then he carried our cross for us, paid a debt for us, and laid down his life for us.
That’s what friendship looks like, the kind of friendship that leads to romance. If you’re looking for romance, start by searching for friendship. If you’re married and hoping to rekindle the fire, start with friendship. Friendship in marriage means choosing to be friends instead of adversaries.
If he buys another hunting rifle when he already has 10, he’s not a nut. He loves to hunt, and you love to see him happy.
If she gets another speeding ticket, it’s not her driving. It’s those darn motorcycle cops; they probably work on commission!
That’s what it means to be in each other’s corner, and nothing could be sexier than that.
An hourglass figure might be cute, but a woman who knows how to encourage her man is sexy.
Bigger biceps and a bulging wallet are great and all, but a man who’s willing to lay down his life for his family is the one you really want (even if he’s got a bald head and a hairy back!).
This is why, when you’re dating, you should think about friendship first. Start with yourself. Ask yourself, “What kind of friend am I?” Am I trustworthy? Am I empathetic? Do I encourage people? Or am I self-centered, opportunistic, and full of excuses?
Then think about the people you’ve typically been drawn toward romantically. What have you typically been drawn toward – something superficial like looks and earning power, or something deeper, like their potential to be a lifelong, faithful friend?
Jesus never looked at us superficially, thank God. If he had, he would have picked us apart. We never would have been worthy of his love. But he saw beyond all that, and he said, “Let’s be friends.” And out of that friendship grew the romance of Christ and his Church.
I believe that’s the best hope for dating and relationships: two people who say, “I see the best in you. You’re worth it to me.” In this way, “Let’s be friends” is an awful way to end a romantic relationship, but it can be a great way to start one. Real friendship isn’t the consolation prize; friendship is the GOSPEL. It’s everything! So stop looking for a trophy, a hottie, a skinny waist, a fat wallet, etc., and set your sights on something better. Set your sights on friendship, just like Jesus did for you.
