What are the things you wish you could change about yourself? I don’t mean, “I wish I was rich,” or “I wish I was thin,” or “I wish I could grow a beard.” That last one is mine, by the way. But what I really mean is, what do you wish you could change about the person you have become: your personality, your tendencies, your habits and patterns? I know the world tells us that we’re supposed to love ourselves just the way that we are, but there’s nothing wrong with sitting down and taking stock of the things you want to change about yourself. In fact, that can be the beginning of a turnaround.
One of the recurring themes in the stories people tell their pastor when they’re struggling is, “I don’t understand why I am the way I am.” Or “I don’t know why I can’t seem to control that part of myself…” Most of the people who come to me in crisis are highly-functioning, well-adjusted people, and 90-95% of their lives are under control. But there’s this other 5-10% of their character that’s flawed in ways that seem beyond their control. They feel powerless over that part of who they are, so they usually hide it and don’t do anything about it until there’s a crisis, and they’re forced to take a long look in the mirror.
When we really dig into that 5-10% of us, it can almost always be traced back to some kind of dysfunction in our families. Every family is dysfunctional, and dysfunction takes many forms. Some of us know we come from dysfunctional families because the problems were out in the open: divorce, addiction, abuse. Others of us come from families where everything seems normal on the surface, and when outsiders look at your family they see a Rockwell painting and they tell you you’re so lucky to have such a perfect family.
But you know the truth. You know the family secrets. And just like other people inherit their families’ overt dysfunction, you’ve inherited your family’s expertise at hiding problems while projecting perfection.
I don’t really believe in family curses per se, but the Bible does say that God “visits” the sins of one generation upon subsequent generations (see Deuteronomy 5:8-10, for example). This doesn’t seem fair at all, right? Why would God punish you for the sins of your parents and grandparents? The simple answer is, “He wouldn’t, and he doesn’t.” The Bible is clear that God judges us based only on our hearts and our actions. The word “visits” can also mean “inspects” or “counts.” This same word is most commonly found in scripture describing a census.
So, the Bible doesn’t say that God punishes you for your parents’ sins; it says that God sees and accounts for the effects your family’s generational sins have on you. All of us are majorly affected by the patterns of sin in our families, and even though scientists may not use the word “sin” to describe the problem, science backs this up. Dozens of major studies have shown that:
• If a parent is alcoholic, the child is 4-6 times more likely to develop alcoholism.
• 8 out of 10 children of morbidly obese parents will become morbidly obese.
• If parents are divorced, the child is 40% more likely to get a divorce.
• Sons of sexually promiscuous fathers are twice as likely to cheat on their wives.
• Between 1/2 and 1/3 of all child abuse victims become abusers in adulthood.
• A boy who sees dad beating mom is 5 times more likely to beat his wife/girlfriend one day.
Researchers have identified literally hundreds of habits, tendencies, coping mechanisms, and yes – sins – that can be linked to your family’s genetic coding or to what you learned from watching your family when you were a kid: bitterness/resentment, compulsive spending/shopping, eating disorders, gossip, greed, laziness, money/debt problems, pride, and the list goes on and on.
When you look at your own family history, what patterns of sin or character flaws begin to emerge? Men: consider the men in your family – your father, grandfathers, uncles, brothers, etc. What unholy habits or ungodly tendencies do some of them share in common? Women: look at the women in your family and ask the same question.
When I took a hard look at the men in my family, some trends started to surface. I realized that most of the men on both sides of my family have been described as hotheads. There is also a tendency among some men in my family to procrastinate, to run away from intimacy, to never be vulnerable, and to be impulsive.
Don’t get me wrong – the men I’m talking about were and are all good men – God-fearing, devoted, loving, honest men – around 95% of the time. And if I’m totally honest, I can detect these same tendencies within myself, and I confess that, like the other men in my family, I’m often tempted to give God most of me, but not all of me. Sometimes, I’d prefer to keep that last five percent of myself a secret.
But that’s not how faith works. Jesus didn’t offer 95% of himself on the cross; he gave us all of him in the hope that we might give him all of us. So why do we hedge our bets with Jesus by holding back that last, shameful part of our lives?
So if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation: everything old has passed away; see, everything has become new!
– 2 Corinthians 5:17-20
I’m inspired by God’s promise that anyone who is in Christ is a new creation, so I’ve committed to doing four things this summer to break with the shame of my past. I’ll share them here, and I invite you to join me on this quest.
The first step along this journey involves identifying your family strongholds and confessing them. Every family has a particular struggle (or seven). Knowing what those struggles are, and confessing them to God, is half the battle.
Second, it’s important to assume personal responsibility. The easiest thing to do when you’re affected by your family’s generational sins is to blame your parents. It’s my dad’s fault I have a temper. My low self-esteem is my mom’s fault. My relationship problems are my parents’ fault. No…you’re accountable for your own decisions, and the sooner you come to terms with that fact, the better.
The third step is trusting the sufficiency of God’s grace. This means believing that Jesus is who he said he was, the Son of God sent to reconcile sinners to God. Romans 5:8 says, “Christ died for us while we were still sinners; that proves how much God loves us.” When you finally believe Jesus’ death and resurrection mean what he said they mean, you realize that the grace of God isn’t just for everybody else; it’s for you. It covers your mistakes. God forgave your sins.
Finally, once you trust that God’s grace is sufficient for you, it’s time to alter the redundancies. That’s a fancy way of saying, “Do something different.” We all have a default setting we’re hard-wired for. Sometimes our worst flaws are hidden in that default setting. You’re anxious or sad, you reach for the junk food. You’re bored or unfulfilled, you reach for the porn. Things feel like they’re spinning out of control, you reach for the bottle. There’s conflict at home, you shut down and get passive aggressive. Jesus wants to change you, but you have to be a willing participant. That means switching off of default mode. Don’t keep doing the same thing.
You probably already know what you have to work on. You’ve probably tried to work on it before, and failed, and that’s been keeping you from trying again. But this time can truly be different, because you’re not just leaning on your own abilities; you’re leaning on the grace of God. So don’t give up. Don’t give in. Don’t let anything hold you back. Today can be the beginning of the end for the person you used to be, because Jesus makes all things new, and when you put your faith in him, you are a new creation.
