Earlier this week, I was talking with Greg Smalley, who oversees all the marriage ministries at Focus on the Family, and he shared with me some of the trends he and his wife are seeing in their ministry working with married couples these days. Recent data have shown that 2020 has been especially hard on our relationships – mostly due to stress stemming from COVID-19, the economy, the civil unrest, and the election season. Since March, the divorce rate is up 38% in America compared to last year.
I asked Mr. Smalley what he thinks is going on. He said that, whenever people are under a lot of stress, our hearts shut down as our fight-or-flight survival instincts take over. And when our hearts shut down, it’s impossible for us to love and be loved, which are the two things we all need most. We’re made to love others, and to be loved by others. That’s how God designed us. But when that design is short-circuited by stress, we inevitably try to fill the empty space in our hearts with something less than real love.
Most Christians are vaguely familiar with Esau and Jacob. Although they were twins, the two brothers were nothing alike. Esau was everything a young man was supposed to be back then: big, hairy, and hungry. Jacob, on the other hand, was lazy and soft. He also had a major character flaw, as evidenced by his name, which literally meant deceiver. After lying multiple times to cheat Esau out of their father’s blessing, Jacob ran for the hills to avoid being slaughtered by his bigger, stronger brother.
Jacob landed on his feet and found a good job working for a man named Laban, but his erratic and desperate behavior continued. One day, Laban asked him to name his own salary, and Jacob said, “Your daughter’s hot. I’ll take her.” No, seriously.
Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful. Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, “I’ll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.” – Genesis 29:15-28
So this story says Rachel had a “lovely figure” and that she was “beautiful” which is nice, but even so, Jacob’s actions made no sense. Seven years is a long time, and Jacob barely even knew Rachel! He sounds a lot like the guy who says “I love you” on the second date, or the girl you just met who “likes” everything you ever posted on Instagram at three o’clock in the morning.
You’ve known someone like Jacob before. All he really wanted was his father’s approval, but it was always just beyond his reach. His dad was blind, so one time Jacob changed his voice and pretended to be Esau just to know what it felt like to be loved by his dad. He’d been running from the truth all his life, and in this story he acted like a man who was running from the past. But no matter how far you run, the truth will always catch up to you. That’s what happened to Jacob.
After working under Laban for seven years, Jacob could finally claim his prize – the lovely Rachel. He said to Laban, “Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to make love to her,” which is a very odd thing to say to your future father in-law. If a young man ever says anything like that to me, I’ll be writing my Friday emails from prison. Maybe that’s why Laban did this to Jacob:
So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast. But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob, and Jacob made love to her… – Genesis 29:22-25
I’ve been to my share of crazy weddings over the years, but I’ve never seen the groom get so drunk that he didn’t notice the bride’s dad pulling the ol’ switcheroo on him. Jacob was livid when, as the story goes, “In the morning, there was Leah!” She wasn’t beautiful like Rachel. She was cross-eyed and her body wasn’t nearly as remarkable. On his wedding night, in his drunken state, Jacob had sex with her and, according to custom, Leah was officially his wife.
When Jacob complained to Laban, he literally said, “Why did you deceive (literally Jacob) me?” Laban replied like this: “Look here bud, I don’t know how they do things where you come from, but around these parts, we don’t give the younger sibling a blessing that belongs to the older sibling.” Ouch. Remember what Jacob did to Esau? His past had officially caught up to him, and Laban had effectively out-Jacob’d Jacob.
Still, Laban agreed to give Rachel away as Jacob’s second wife, as long as Jacob agreed to work under Laban for another seven years. Still hopelessly stuck on Rachel, Jacob agreed, and he took her as his second wife.
At this point, the story’s spotlight moves away from Jacob and onto poor, cross-eyed Leah who, unlike her sister Rachel, had never felt loved. It’s easy to think how infuriating and confusing the morning after the first wedding was for Jacob, but can you imagine how humiliating and degrading the whole affair must have been for Leah? Her dad had to pass her off as her little sister just to trick a man into wanting her.
I imagine Leah held out hope that after she gave herself to Jacob sexually, he might realize that it was really her, and not Rachel, that he wanted all along. In the cold light of day, however, Jacob looked at her and still didn’t want her. But God saw Leah much differently.
When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he enabled her to conceive, but Rachel remained childless. Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, for she said, “It is because the Lord has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now.” Genesis 29:31-32
Leah thought that having a son would make her husband love her. Sadly, she was wrong, and she remained unloved. But that didn’t keep her from trying to earn Jacob’s affections. 29:33-34:
She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Because the Lord heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too.” So she named him Simeon. Again she conceived, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.” So he was named Levi.
After bearing two more healthy sons for Jacob, Leah was still heartbroken and alone. All that time, Leah had been doing exactly what Jacob did: she was trying to fill the void in her life with validation and romantic love, but that left her feeling more worthless and unloved than ever. After getting pregnant for the fourth time, something happened that changed Leah’s outlook. No one knows exactly why her perspective shifted, but one day, Leah stopped caring what Jacob thought about her. 29:35:
She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “This time I will praise the Lord.” So she named him Judah. Then she stopped having children.
When her first son was born, Leah said, “Maybe my husband will love me now.”
After giving birth a second time, she said, “I’m still unloved.”
After her third son arrived, she said, “My husband has to want me now.”
But after her fourth son was born, she said, “This time I’ll praise the Lord.”
Leah learned her lesson about love. Living for superficial validation and romantic affection will always leave the human heart unsatisfied. In the end, Leah saw the truth: love can’t be earned with good deeds or coerced by manipulation. She also learned that one man’s love pales in comparison to the unconditional love of God. Only God can satisfy our deepest desires. The need Leah thought she felt for Jacob’s love was really a much deeper longing for the true and lasting love of God.
In some ways, we are all like Leah – living for lesser forms of love, and feeling more alone all the time. All the while, God’s love remains, patient and kind, waiting to be loved in return. That’s just who God is. I pray that you’ll open your heart and just let Him love you. And when your heart is full again, I pray you’ll spend the rest of your days loving Him, too.
