(adapted from The Story Church’s 2017 message series called Swiping Right)
Several years ago, as I was preaching through a long, 8-part message series on singleness and dating, my family and I went to spend a couple days on a lake up in Arkansas. One night after putting the kids to bed, I went outside and sat on the dock overlooking the water. It was a clear night, so the stars and moon were gorgeous. Other than that, there was nothing but darkness all around me, but I knew that I wasn’t alone, because the crickets, grasshoppers, cicadas, and frogs were singing their songs all around me.
“This is nature at its best,” I thought to myself. “This is exactly what I needed. I’m so glad to be out of Houston and thinking about something besides singles and dating and hookup culture for a while.”
But the more I thought about it, the more it occurred to me that nature’s little symphony was, in fact, all about singles, dating, and hooking up. Every soothing sound I was hearing represented creation’s version of Tinder.
The crickets I heard were the male crickets rubbing their wings together. Every boy cricket makes up their own unique song to woo all the lovely cricketesses, and when they find one they really like, they add a manly chirp to go along with their song. That chirp is the male cricket’s way of saying, “Hey girl…”
The girl crickets get to sit back and listen to all the boys’ songs, and decide which guy they’d like to spend the night with. If she’s not into his music, she’s out. If she doesn’t like his voice, she’s out. If he happens to be her half brother, she’ll somehow know it by his chirp, and she’s out. Every cricket has her deal breakers, and the same goes for every frog, cicada, and grasshopper in nature.
It was a good reminder for me of how it’s perfectly natural for single people to have their deal breakers when dating, because at times I can be a little harsh or judgmental when my single friends share their deal breakers with me. I like to warn them not to be too picky because dating isn’t about looking for the finished product. Instead of being perfectionists, Christian singles should date in search of the sort of raw materials that they and God can work on together. If they only look for the finished product, and they dismiss people who aren’t that, they’ll risk missing out on something pretty great.
While all of that is true, it’s still perfectly normal and healthy to have a good set of deal breakers in mind while dating. Christian singles, in particular, should have a set of deal breakers that reflect their biblical values. So, if you’re single and Christian, what should your deal breakers be, and why?
I found a few online articles from “dating experts” insisting that your deal breakers could be anything. If you love cats, and you meet someone who doesn’t, just end it now, they say. Or if you prefer a smooth chest, and you discover the guy you’re dating has a really hairy chest, pull the plug already and call time of death on that relationship.
There are no words to express how asinine most dating advice is these days.
When wise counsel is hard to come by in the world, we have to lean not only on biblical wisdom, but also on good common sense, to lay a foundation for our convictions. So, when deciding what should constitute a relationship deal breaker, let’s start with what shouldn’t.
1. Lack of FIRE, chemistry, or physical attraction. Perhaps I’m in the minority here, but I believe character matters way more than chemistry. I’ve just seen too many relationships where the fire was there, and then it wasn’t. And I’ve seen too many couples who didn’t have much of a ‘spark’ at first develop stronger chemistry together over time. A lack of chemistry on the first few dates shouldn’t be a deal breaker.
2. Lack of FUNDS: I understand the concerns some single people have about money. Nobody wants to struggle financially. But does that mean it should be a deal breaker if a woman you’re dating comes from a poor family? Or if a man you’re seeing is in sales instead of medicine? No! Her holdings matter less than her heart, and his potential matters more than his portfolio. Instead of asking, “What’s her family worth?” or “How much does he make?” you should be asking, “How hard does she work?” and “How well does he handle the money he has?”
3. Lack of FORM: by form I mean a person’s manners, style, or way of speaking. When we started dating, Geovanna was a city girl who went to operas and enjoyed the finer things; I was from Red Lick, Texas and country-poor. “Friends in Low Places” was my theme song. She’d take me out to restaurants not called Western Sizzlin’ and try to make me eat things like sushi and portobello mushrooms, and I’d sit there thinking I’d give anything for some Whataburger. In her eyes, I had poor form.
But when I took her home to East Texas, she’s the one who showed poor form – she wouldn’t eat my grandma’s creamed taters, which was just about the worst thing she could’ve done.
But we stuck it out, and over time this weird thing happened. She worked on me so hard that I became more like her. And I worked on her so hard that she became more like me. Now, I’m a part-time city slicker who eats sushi, and she’s a low-key country girl who likes taters and grits.
People change, and superficial preferences and tendencies tend to be the easiest stuff to change about us. That’s why a lack of proper form should never be a deal breaker.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, what kinds of things should be deal breakers?
1. Lack of FAITH. Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? – 2 Corinthians 6:14
I used to think this verse was outdated and judgmental because I thought it’s rude for Christians to only date other Christians. And yes, it’s possible to call yourself a Christian while being married to someone who has no intention of ever becoming a Christian, but only as long as you don’t really plan on taking your faith too seriously.
But if you take Jesus seriously, you’re bound to run into problems. Like when you say, “Hey, can we start praying together to give thanks before every meal,” and she rolls her eyes. Or if you say, “I want to give $1,000 to support my church’s prison ministry,” and he says, “Well I was thinking that $1,000 would go toward our next vacation.”
If you love Jesus and the person you’re dating isn’t a Christian, that’s something you should have a serious conversation about. If your significant other is open to going to church together, and maybe a small group or a Bible Study, and if they say they’d be okay with their kids being raised in the Church, then their openness could say a lot about their character. If, on the other hand, they’re closed off to Christianity completely, or if they’re bitter about church or critical of you because you love Jesus, it should almost certainly be a deal breaker.
2. Lack of FIDELITY. They say, “Once a cheater always a cheater.” I don’t believe that. I’ve seen plenty of people who cheat on their significant other actually see the light and change their cheating ways. Some of the best husbands I know cheated on their wives once upon a time and truly learned from their mistakes.
That being said, some people are compulsive deceivers. It’s not always sleeping around, either. It can be patterns of lies about money or drugs or porn or shopping or just about anything else. The difference between the people who change and the ones who will keep hurting you forever is authentic humility and brokenness before God. When someone cheats and says “I’m broken, I’m a sinner, I’m sick, I need help, and I love you” is one thing. But when someone cheats and says, “Hey, it didn’t mean anything. Everyone cheats. Let it go…”, you’ve got yourself a deal breaker.
3. Lack of FRIENDSHIP. If your relationship with someone you’re dating looks nothing like a friendship, if you’re not responsive to each other’s interests and needs, if you’re not being conscientious toward each other, and if the person you’re with is showing no effort whatsoever to become a better friend to you, you might have a deal breaker on your hands.
Friendship is fuel to the fire in every lasting, romantic relationship, but the lack of friendship is a serious deal breaker.
Finally, I think it’s important for every single believer to know that they are in a unique position to impact the world around them with the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know it sounds intimidating, but it really comes down to this: Are you a single person who happens to be a Christian, or are you a follower of Jesus who happens to be single? Is meeting The One and getting married your first priority, or does Jesus come first? When you go on a date, and you know that person’s not The One because there is a deal breaker at play, I hope you will make sure the person you’re on a date with knows more about the love of God after the date than they did before. Make sure they’re less cynical about Jesus than they were before they met you. Every stage of life can be a gospel opportunity, so shine the light of Christ…even when the modern dating scene feels dark.
